Monsters, Movies and Menaces: The Horror Film of Personal Growth & Project Launches

So, this monster project of mine is nearing launch readiness. Like, REALLY ready, and really launching… and I’m scared to death.

Mind you, it’s no longer a “monster” because of size (because I’ve scaled it way back) but it remains a monster in terms of the time and energy it demands. More importantly, it’s a monster in terms of all of the issues and anxieties it’s forcing into the light. A monster with big teeth, scary claws, and slime.

See, deep in my mind, there’s a theater that plays only montages of my inner world. This week’s film is entitled “REVELATIONS: The END.”

I’m not going to invite you to a screening of this monster movie (though you are welcome to a bag of free popcorn). Still, I thought you’d find the central themes of the film interesting - at least you can get a good laugh at my neuroses.

I know, I know, facing these issues is good for personal growth, blah blah blah. That’s the story the film narrator keeps trying to sell me on, anyway.

I’m not convinced. Dredging up some of these issues just slows me down - And I’m not at all sure that “personal growth” itself is always a positive thing to begin with. I mean, too many visits to the refreshment stand leads to personal growth, too… growth that I *really* didn’t need to see blown up to the size of a Mack Truck on that big screen in my head!

Issues without potential for resolution don’t really need to be magnified and plonked onto a marquee… denial is a perfectly good coping mechanism when there’s nothing you can do about it.

And another good coping mechanism is distraction. Notice how I’m using it in this post, talking about everything BUT the issues that have been coming up lately? I’m doing that just to demonstrate the technique, of course. *cough, cough*.

Ahem. About Those Issues…

Ok Ok, I’ll just spit a few of these out and hope I don’t bore you.

• I am happiest when things are “in progress” because it means they have untapped potential, offering the promise of a bright future. But it makes completing things kind of counter productive, since the end of the project comes to symbolize the END of potential. Go figure.
• Then there’s the “OMG, ROLLER COASTER!” moments of creativity. One day, I’m thrilled and happy, and certain I’m on the right track. The next moment is sheer panic that the whole idea will never work, the track has run out and the car is about to burst into flames and go crashing into nowhere.

Between those two, it’s clear that creative projects lead to a flying, painful firey THE END ( or so says the monster in the movie. )

• My over-achieving perfectionist’s need for approval, which acts under the delusion that it’s been cast as the hero of the story. It’s a total diva though, always complaining about how it cant work “under these conditions!”

  Seriously, it causes no end of trouble, manifesting in a sort of performance anxiety. The need for approval and the desire to do “more” means taking on more outside commitments. And the more commitments I have, the more perfection I demand from myself, and the less likely I am to complete either them OR my own work. This has been painfully obvious over the past few months, so if I owe you a guest post, an email, an interview or a review? Forgive me please, I’ll get it done. Just as soon as I get this guilt track fixed….. and build a new ride, a “tunnel of love” type attraction “Commitment Phobia”

Those aren’t really new issues for me, and they’re not unique. Most creative types struggle with them to some degree or another. The self-doubts, sheer panic, fears of being “exposed”, and the sense that there’s no meaning to any of this? Those aren’t unique, either, but MAN has this project brought them out!

• And I can’t neglect there’s the need and desire for deadlines (though it got left out of the film, because they ran out of time…) I knew this deadline thing was there, and I knew that I’m bad at setting and sticking to self-imposed schedules. But this project has proven it to me in new ways. I’ve let self-imposed deadlines fly by, until I’m seriously under the gun financially — and now I *have* to get this project launched. And of course as soon as I realized it’s do or die, NOW, suddenly the ideas and solution and focus is there, where I needed it 6-8 months ago.
• But the biggest frustration for me has been the lack of collaborators. Throughout this process, its become increasingly obvious how much I want and need partners in the creative process, and how difficult it is to find and inspire them. Somehow, someway, this one has to be resolved before much longer… but that’s a project in and of itself, one that has to wait for another day, and another series of freakouts!

But the GOOD news is…

This project really is about to launch, and you can check out the screen shot on the right I’ve wound up calling it Brain Fitness Boot Camp, and I’m finishing up the landing page today. Pretty soon I’ll be able to give you a lot more information…

I’m really pleased about the format. I think you will be too… and I’ve found an entry level price for this charter launch that should work pretty darn well for everyone.

Yes, I’m finally seriously excited. Because it turns out that despite all of my protests… I do my best work when being chased by a monster. RAWR!.

But I have to admit, I’m still scared to death.

And writing this meant fighting tears. It’s just THAT damned scary.