10 Sure-Fire Ways To De-Optimize Your Mental Registry

Over on Elemental Truths, Reg has trotted out 10 TipsFor Utterly Destroying Your Blog And Credibility, and closed the post with the following Added Value Truth:

How fun is THAT?

So I thought I’d apply the method here… This is the disturbing result:
10 14 Sure-Fire Ways To De-optimize Your Mental Registry (ie: your brain)

1. Help yourself to the sugar bowl, preferably stirring it into a triple espresso, first thing in the morning. YeeeHAW!
2. Keep a cluttered desk - a messy environment is a messy mind!
3. Never meditate. Instead, compulsively Google “online meditation tools”. Blog obsessively about the results.
4. More sugar! Glucose rollercoaster = your new BFF
5. Surround yourself with negative, needy people. Lots of them. Make sure they have all of your phone numbers.
6. Don’t screen your calls. Always, always interrupt whatever you’re doing so your friends can call and ask if you’re busy. Say “No.” (Works best in conjunction with #5)
7. Lots of caffiene. Very little water. And while you’re at it.. toss out those vitamin capsules. Fill the empty jar with sugar cubes.
8. Be a productivity tool junkie: Try out a new productivity system every week for a year. If you keep your life in a constant state of reorganization, actual productivity will never be an issue.
9. ALCOHOL! (Preferably, alcohol with sugar in it.)
10. Be non-commital. Commitment = focus, and who needs focus? Start 20+ projects at once. Be scatter-brained, and convince yourself that it’s multitasking.
11. Find the TV remote. It’s your new BFF. (glucose is sooo yesteday) Flip through all 258 channels obsessively. Don’t actually watch anything that could catch your attention and cause you to focus.
12. NEVER keep to a schedule. Make one if you must, but never refer back to it. Wakeup whenever, eat whenever, and fall asleep only when you can’t stay up anymore.
13. Speaking of sleep…Minimize your sleeping hours. The less you sleep, the more time you’ll have to muck up your mental process!
14. Overachieve. Instead of writing 10 ways to fragment your mind, write 12. Then search for a 13th, find a 14th, and spend at least an hour rewriting and debating which ones to keep. In the end, keep all of them; a good list is never done!

And with that, I’m off to get some coffee (extra sugar, maybe a wee bit of whiskey), find my TV remote, and wait for someone to call and interrupt me!