*Pindrop* Sure is quiet round these parts, ain’t it?
Forgive me Tweakers, for I have sinned…. it has been <mumble mumble cough insert-insane-length-of-time-here> since I last posted.
But I’m not going to promise to do better (even though that’s my intention).
Why Not?
Honestly, because I might NOT do better.
And I don’t want to make a promise I can’t keep.
Besides, I hate those sorts of “I’ll post more often!” promising blog things. Especially when they aren’t followed by more blog posts.
Truth is, I had a minor (major?) freakout starting this past summer. And maybe I should keep all this info to myself (as the blogging experts suggest) but since this blog is all about the mind and brain,and fixing them (Especially mine) it all seems relevant somehow.
So What Happened?
No, seriously. That’s where it started. Businesses crashed all over the place, corporate headquarters and stockholders freaked and everyone decided cost-cutting was the way to go. As a result, The Tweak-Spouse’s hours and income were cut very significantly. Like by a full third. Which is a serious, serious ouch.
But things would get better next week/month/soon, right?
Nope.
But it was going to be ok. Yes. If I could just kick my own business plans into high gear, I figured I could make up the difference. And since he had all of this extra *time* on his hands, Mr.TweakSpouse promised to help out. He’d try to help with the house, paperwork, barking dogs, food, etc, and definitely provide emotional/tangible support in the form of reviewing what I was writing, testing things, helping to make decisions.
Alrighty then! That’s great, right? I kicked off Brain Fitness Boot Camp early (Yay!) and took on a number of other ongoing, paying projects (Yay!). This was gonna work. Yes. It was. And I held back the anxiety monsters about bills with that belief. I was stressed, but positive and enthused.
This was good, maybe this was just the kick I needed, I thought. And I wasn’t freaking! (Yay!)
And Then Another Thing Happened.
That place that Mr.Tweaks works? The economy was stressing out other people there, and while I wasn’t freaking, THEY were! Two went out on long term medical leaves. Another just… quit. No notice, they just left, and didn’t come back.
The only one left standing was Mr.Tweaks (who thrives in crisis).
So all at once he went from being short on hours, to 30 hours of overtime a week. Which was great, when it came to catching up on bills - not so great when it came to me holding off my own freakouts. Because suddenly, my “help” didn’t even have time to LOOK at what I was doing, much less offer help. I had to pick up all the household slack - and more painfully, I had taken on all of those paying projects that I couldn’t just drop — I was obligated. And on my own with it.
So, At Last, I Freaked.
I curled up, and I pulled the covers over my head. But I took a notebook and flashlight under there, and slowly, slowly worked at meeting my obligations.
I did pretty well, in the end. Brain Camp is behind schedule, but it has been chugging along. I’ve kept up with the paid writing gigs. I’ve managed to keep up with the design work, though it’s gone slowly. The kitchen is marginally clean, the laundry is clean even if it is still piled on the couch. The bills are almost caught up. And I stay in touch with close family, even if friends are miffed and I don’t answer the house phone and my email tending is spotty.
Unfortunately, the MindTweaks blog is the one place I didn’t manage to keep up. For some reason, posting here just became this huge onerous, anxiety producing *THING*. So I avoided it. I managed to approve comments, and sometimes reply to them. I sometimes managed to answer emails (Though a lot of them fell through the cracks.)
And the longer I avoided it, the scarier a THING posting here became. So I avoided it some more.
Until today.
And I have no idea why I’m not avoiding it today.
Actually, that’s not true.
It has something to do with NaNoWriMo, that insane write-a-novel-in-a-month challenge that I’ve won once, lost once, and am likely to miss the mark at again this year. But somehow, it kicked me into gear and broke apart my stucked-freaked-out-ness.
It also has something to do with starting up Havi Brook’s Procrastination Dissolve-o-Matic, reading her blog (The Fluent Self) and watching her transparently work through her own freakouts, stucked-ness. She has this magical way of making it all ok for me to be doing that, too. See, Havi and her business partner, Selma-the-Duck are big proponents of self-compassion, Eastern style - and while she seems more Actual Yogic than the Pseudo-American-Buddhist which I sometimes practice, the concepts overlap and…. well… it works.
But whether it has to do with NaNo, Havi, or some mystical alignment between the Leonid Meteor Showers with the release of disaster blockbuster film “2012″, I’m here, and I’m writing…
At least for today 
And What Can You Expect From The Future MindTweaks?
Danged if I know.
Maybe I’ll chirp right back in with a bunch of useful information. Maybe it will include product and book reviews, maybe it will just be some rambling things about my own mind. Maybe I’ll sink to cat blogging. (Which wouldn’t be THAT bad, because our household cat, El Gato Grande, would probably be a more prolific blogger than I am, these days.)
But I would really like to pick up where I left off, here…. with a variety of both personal and product stuff, science and wacky woo stuff, the occasional tweak and just dang funny stuff.
We shall see what happens.
If you’d like to say hi and welcome back, that’d be nice, too 
Just keep the volume, advice and encouragements to a minimum, please. Those things can feel like pressure, and induce freakouts
On the other hand, if you’d like to talk about the freakouts you’ve had lately, go for it! I promise not to judge you, advise you on how to “just pull out of it” or even do anything other than just accept you where you are.
Even if where you are is hiding under the bed with a flashlight.
Even especially then.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Glad to see that your still alive. You can always have the cat as a guest writer until you catch up on other things. Just be prepared to take out the cat if it tries to take over.
Welcome back Tori:-)
I have no advice to offer you and I’ll restrict my words of encouragement to simpy saying thanks for your post - it resonated deeply with me and will, I expect, with many others.
What I’ve been wondering is, what does one do when the torch doesn’t shine any more cos the batteries have gone flat… and it’s still very dark? When there’s still way to go, and the petrol (oops sorry - gas) tank is showing it’s empty, and it feels like one’s just running on the gas vapour…?
Stephen
Welcome back,Tori!
First, to answer Stephen: You dont give up. There is sunshine and libraries where there is light, and feet, and thumbs for hitchhiking. As my therapist keeps reminding me “This will pass!”
Next: my own story goes back a few years to when I was struck with anxiety and severe panic attacks. The result being that I have been unable to hold a job for more than a few weeks at a time (a bad thing for the resume of a sixty year old). I have been trying the blogging thing for a few years (since this condition started), but never getting far due to the lack of maintaining focus and a general uncertainty of what I to do with my life now. My wife and I are raising our granddaughter. My in-laws are covering most of our bills and my wife just graduated from college with a Medical Assistant degree. It seems like every time I might be getting my life together anothr situation blows up in my face. This time it involves moving from our home of 16 years so that my wife can be closer to work and our granddaughter can have a better environment than this acre of land out side of town. We are also pursuing the legal prossess of gaining legal custody of our granddaughter.
Still I maintain a certainty that this will pass, whether it is God, the universe or the “Force”, something about life requires persistance and things DO work out in the long run. Sometimes we just have to sit back and let it happen, contrary to the control, “make it happen”, stress that we westerners insist upon.
Anyway we will all get through this unstable time. Thank you for being there. - Dana
Dana
Thank you for your comments and thank you for sharing your experience. I agree - “this too will pass”.
I have nothing to add to your own eloquence and the detail of what you have shared of your situation - and for which I thank you.
I too am living with a chronic situation that has lasted 8 years - that defies my best efforts - that pushes faith to the limits - that distorts my perceptions of so called reality.
Thank you for your honesty.
In my meditation group we would offer you a deep bow - so that is what I will do, as I close this comment, with the greeting and blessing - “Namaste” Dana. [Literally - I salute the divine within you].
Yeah! I was wondering where you were and had an email all ready to go to see what was up.
I started NaNoMo as well. Got 10,000 words written, never posted the result and the file is sitting on my desk stop staring at me this very moment.
Hey Tori,
Hard news! I was checking here often wondering why there wasn’t any updates and I’m happy to know you’ve plowed through the resistance and stress that retained you away until this time!
I’d love to say I know how you feel but unfortunately I’ve never been in a similar situation before and really can’t guess how I’d handle it. But, it looks like you did what was necessary to get by and prevail!
I’m looking forward to you picking back up your fun loving stride and organised self
Really nice to see you again!
Craig
Hey Tori,
I can relate to the freakout part of life. If you take a look at my blog, you will see that I have also fallen off the turnip truck. I wrote one of those “keep an eye out, I will be doing better” posts and have not yet followed through.I’ve had some life changing events occur and it may change the whole focus of my writing.
Health issues currently have operating out of a dark room (not a darkroom) and unable to find a door or even a light to see where I am headed.
Your post is encouraging and I’ll continue looking for the energy to get myself off my own ass here soon.
Thanks
Mike
@Dana, Maureen, Craig, Mike… thanks for popping by, and being glad I’m alive
It’s nice to know you’re all hanging in here, too! Mike, I did drop by your place, and I see you have found the energy to post, even amid really trying circumstances - yay you!
@Nick: El Gato Grande said she’d be happy to be a guest cat blogger, but she wants extra deserts. And I’m not sure where to buy chocolate covered mousies.
@Stephen You wrote:
What I’ve been wondering is, what does one do when the torch doesn’t shine any more cos the batteries have gone flat… and it’s still very dark? When there’s still way to go, and the petrol (oops sorry - gas) tank is showing it’s empty, and it feels like one’s just running on the gas vapour…?
In keeping with my “No Advice, Dammit” theme, I’m not going to suggest what you should do. I will, however, tell you what I might do. Because it’s kind of fun.
Pull over.
That’s what the side of the road is for, anyway.
Then I’d see if there were any snacks in the trunk (other than all El Gato’s chocolate mousies. Blech.)
And if I found snacks, I’d munch for a bit, relax, and assess the situation. Is it still important to get where I was going? Do I know where I’m going, and do I even WANT to go there? Am I on the right road?
If it’s really important and right for me to keep going, I might walk to a gas station, tough it out, flag down a passing car. But if it’s not really crucial, I might just take a nap. Because sometimes, when the body and brain shut down? It’s for good reason. Sure, sometimes “pushing through it” is helpful, and right and necessary - but sometimes, I truly NEED the break. No one really benefits from my pushing myself into a full blown freakout - and it certainly doesnt put anymore gas in the tank!
Hi! I’m here for the first time and loved your post! It was so REAL, and I truly enjoyed it. I can relate to everything about freakouts you’ve highlighted here, so, I think it’s all pretty normal!
Anyway, I subscribed and look forward to poking around here to see what you’ve written before, and to future posts. No pressure, though! If the feed lies dormant for a month or two or three I won’t click unsubscribe, I promise. I might in a year, though…
So, thanks for posting something a lot of us can relate to. I like your writing style, it’s alive and crisp, and your creative graphics are awesome!
Cheers,
Miche
Hi Miche,
Thank you sooo much for the comments, the subscription, and the vow of support! And just the title of your blog, Serenity Hacker brought a breath of peace into my day