"You mean, it’s *NOT* my fault?" 10 Tips for Stopping The Self Blame Process

In the previous parts of this series, I put a lot of work into looking at what’s the self-blame habit — but the solutions are what I wanted to focus on.

I’ve had a tough time finding the right presentation.. so I’m just going to spit out a few approaches, solutions, and thought-tweaks that seem to help. Here goes:

Surrender.

If the underlying purpose for taking all of the blame onto yourself is to try and stay in control — Surrender. Let go.

Consciously, intentionally, willfully recognize that some things are just not within your sphere of influence. Let go of the desire and effort to control everything. Don’t laugh, it’s a lot harder than it sounds — and you probably attempt a lot more control over the universe than you are aware of attempting.

By surrendering, you’ll let go of the need for control that feeds so much of the excessive self-blame habit.

Take Back Your Power:

If your habit of self blame rises from an abusive parent/authority figure… recognize that they are no longer in charge. They can’t/wont punish you now, you’re a grown up. Accepting the fault and blame worked as a good defense when you were a child, but you don’t need it anymore. It isn’t your fault, it wasn’t your fault, and it’s safe for you to say that now.

Know The Reach and the Limits of Your Influence.

Look deeply at just what you can, and cannot influence in the world around you. Recognize how much you *can* impact things around you.. and how much you have no control over.

You Ain’t That Powerful:

Even if you do contribute in some way to the “bad things” that happen in your life ( like buying property in a flood zone, eating high fat foods, or smoking cigarettes) that is only a contribution. Those things alone do not cause disasters to happen. Take responsibility for your contributions, but don’t take responsibility for what isn’t yours. That’s a type of arrogance.

Recognize Your Own Arrogance:

This one is especially useful if you’re Christian (or any other religion, for that matter).

Blaming yourself for everything, and deciding that “bad things” are your punishment from God is arrogant. You’re taking away God’s right to decide what is right or wrong, denying God’s right to punish you or not.. Those are some big toes you’re stepping on. Stop it. Find your humility.

Test Your Beliefs:

Look at the beliefs underneath your self-blame thought processes.

Are they logical? Do they even make sense? Do you even believe in them?

Do you *really* believe in a God who behaves like an abusive parent? Is karmic balance that arbitrary? Do you really believe that the universe spiteful enough to hurt others in order to punish you for your mistakes? Do you believe that the Divine Whatever is petty enough to blame you for every little thing you do wrong?

Look For Balance:

If you’re responsible for the bad things that happen around you, do you also take credit for all of the good things that happen around you? If you believe that God/TheUniverse/Karma blames and punishes you with tragedies, do you also believe that all of the good things that happen around you are rewards?

A Note On Comforting Others:

This series started with the question of how to help others, when they’re in pain, and blaming themselves. Most of the people I’ve talked to in that state are looking for reassurance, just needing someone to tell them that everything in the universe isn’t their fault. A gentle but firm voice of authority can do wonders — and backing it up with any of the logical approaches mentioned here adds further authority. Offering forgiveness for their flaws can help (or a strong statement that you believe they are forgiven). Laughter helps too… a shared giggle at the childish absurdity and arrogance of our thought processes often works wonders.

MindTWEAK: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”