In Search Of Intimacy: The Melancholy on Social Media

Part of the Temperament/Social media series in collaboration
with Elemental Truths.

With low needs for socialization and attention, Melancholies may not be the stars of social networking, but they may find it an attractive medium all the same.

The Melancholy personality is motivated by a drive towards intimacy- not necessarily romantic intimacy, but the sort of intimacy that comes with the transparent mythical sharing and baring of the soul of poetry and art… the intimacy of kindred spirits.

And in the search for kindred spirits, social media offers countless benefits.

Why is social media so great for Melancholies?

First, there are the sheer numbers: with the ability to contact millions of users on each service, the odds of connecting to like-minded souls is much higher than through your immediate real world contacts. And once you locate a few like-minded spirits online, chances are they’ll have like-minded networks of their own… Jackpot!

Melancholies typically have an artistic temperament they often feel is misunderstood and misjudged by the world. In response, they may choose to keep their sometimes genius work under wraps (Think Emily Dickinson).

But online services solve that problem nicely, allowing Melancholies to publish their artwork, music, and writing without relying on editors, ruthless publishers and cruel critics. In a virtual world, lost among faceless millions, they can find a sometimes small but worthy audience for their arts, carving out their own intimate space for the sharing of souls.

Another benefit of modern social media to Melancholies is the ability to offer feedback to others. Melancholies desire perfection, and they like to help the rest of the world reach out for perfection, too… one of their ways of “helping” is by pointing out imperfections to others (so the others can improve, of course!). And Since social media is all about feedback and commentary, Melancholies have endless opportunities to polish the imperfections of the world, while musing upon the immoralities and unfairness of it all (Think Emo heaven).

But there is a downside…

When a Melancholy accidentally stumbles into the social media spotlight, the glare can be harsh.

The cyber world provides a veil of anonymity with no direct consequences for actions - and people online are often thoughtless, crude and even vicious in their comments. The cost to Melancholies is two fold; first, the rudeness reveals the cruel imperfection of the world, and second, Melancholies have no way of *not* taking it personally - so the meanness is especially cutting.

The potential for high-drama mixed with intimacy poses another problem for Melancholies - as both audience and players, they can find themselves caught up in fictional story lines. Roleplaying games and communities like SecondLife encourage them to act out (and potentially get lost in) the dramas in their heads. Even more straight forward services like MySpace, Facebook and the various dating services can tempt them to create and build alternate personalities to live out their fantasies of perfect intimacy - which can end tragically for both them, and the people they involve in their dramas, when the fiction falls apart.

Melancholies can also be intolerant of “less worthy” users of social media, dismissing any and all business conversation as “spam”, and prone to remarking on the emptiness of small talk about kids, kittens, and what others had for breakfast. If it isn’t about the core of humanity, they aren’t interested, and aren’t afraid to say so — which doesn’t go over well with those who *do* use the services for business and chit-chat.

And their own emo-tendencies aren’t well accepted by the business and casual users, either… while plenty of drama can always be found on the social applications, it’s also a quick route to being ignored, blocked, and dropped from people’s networks.

So what’s the solution?

How can Melancholies reap the benefits of social media and networking, but stay out of its traps?

Create a showcase. If you fancy yourself an artist, writer, poet, musician, photographer, dancer, or create a space to polish and share your work and thoughts. Keep this space clean of the risk of harsh critiques and messier social dramas. Invite comments and discussion of your work *elsewhere* but keep this one space sacred and devoted to your art and vision.

Have a clear cut goal. Know why you’re participating on a particular network. Is it to find a partner, make professional contacts, promote your services, polish your talents, share your poetry, or make friends? Keep that intent in mind. When you feel the urge to plaster your most melancholy moods across the screen (and you will feel that urge!) consider if it will help or hurt your ultimate goal.

Consider both public and private accounts. Use the public one to attract and seek out like minded souls. Use the private one for deeper sharing with a trusted inner circle. Consider a completely anonymous journal for sharing your deepest, most heart rending works - anonymity allows for a whole different depth of intimacy. (If you do go that route, KEEP it anonymous; don’t be tempted to develop it into an alternate persona!)

Label Fiction as Fiction. If you do decide to explore an alternate persona, make sure its *clearly* fictional. Otherwise you run the risk of developing it too far, and hurting others who get emotionally involved with your invented character (and hurting yourself in the process). That may seem far fetched if you’re new to online social interactions, but it happens all too often, and sometimes with very tragic consequences.

Connect to some imperfect people. Ok, so they may not be your soul-mates, they don’t want to talk philosophy and they may bore you with Tweets about their grocery list and photos of their cats. But you do need variety in your social network, and some of their other friends are likely to be just as deep and wonderfully brooding as you are. So go on, network with the boring folks too. (but don’t tell your network how much they’re boring you - that sort of “honest critique” won’t go over well. Trust me on this.)

Be gentle and sparing with your criticisms. Yes, people often invite comments and criticisms, but that doesn’t mean you have to offer it. If you’re going to offer a critique, be sure the recipient sees it as helpful. We know you think it’s constructive, but will they?

Control the urge to go emo. Remember this guy? Yeah. So do the rest of us. Don’t be him. Ever. Ok?

What Melancholies Should Look For In Social Media…

Look for services with an artistic bent: sites like DeviantArt, Flickr, and Virb are most likely to attract others with an interest in the deeper aspects of life, and their focus on sharing content helps keep the social drama down a bit.

Personal blogging serves Melancholies well, providing an acceptable outlet for philosophical ponderings and emotions: LiveJournal is probably the best community for the “personal diary” style of blogging, providing a built in community, though almost every community site out there offers some form of a blog to members these days.

Micro-blogging services like Twitter are likely to annoy you with empty chatter, if you try to use it as the A-listers do. But if you set your account to private, and limit yourself to following only your own inner circle, it can provide a very intimate sort of moment to moment contact.

When selecting a primary service, look for one that allows you to search by interests - that can make it simpler to connect to like minded contacts… as well as one that allows you to separate your contacts into close and not-so-close associates.

And for fun… Role-Playing communities and games (as Reg mentioned) will allow you to indulge the Melancholy love of mythical, archetypal and theatric expression while making contact outside the game with other players. Check out communities like SecondLife, Lively (the latest offering from Google), WorldofWarcraft, LordofTheRingsOnline, or my personal favorite melancholy-indulgence, TheEndlessForest (though Forest is really stretching the definition of “social” since you can’t speak in game; communication is limited to predefined gestures. )

So, all you Melancholy types!

Get out there, share your poetic take on the world, and build a network of kindred spirits! (Just steer clear of the urge to bawl on a YouTube Video, ok?)